(1) I’m sorry I made fun of your feet.

(2) What?

(1) When we were at the bar … I was making fun of your second toe being longer than your big toe.

(2) Did you know in ancient Greece…

(1) Yeah, I know. You told me the story last night while I was making fun of your feet. Anyway, all I wanted to say was, I’m sorry. About your feet.

(2) You know? I don’t think I’ve ever seen your feet.

(1) [Looks down at his Jack Purcells and socks even though we’re walking towards an earth toned New Mexico rest stop and it feels like it’s 132 degrees outside*] What?

(2) I’ve lived with you for … let me see … a year! Right? Yeah! A year! Nearly a year. And I don’t think I’ve once seen your feet.

(1) I never took off my socks?

(2) No.

(1) Would it turn you on if I did?

(2) Ha. No!

(1) Well, that place was pretty dirty.

(2) Okay.

(1) And I don’t know. It’s just … you can’t run in sandals. I like to know that if I wanted to run I could. 

(2) That’s it?

(1) Yes. Actually. 

(2) [Laughs uncontrollably.]

(1) [Laughs also.]

(2) That’s so strange.

(1) I know.

*dry heat

behindbobsburgers:

KEEP YOUR SPINCTER (sic) TIGHT, BOBBY!

Exclusive in-the-booth audio! Hear John Roberts try to pronounce “sphincter,” with help from Jon Benjamin, Jon Glaser and Loren Bouchard.

Let’s make a deal. I get to hear you guys have sex, you get to hear me fart whenever I’m alone in the living room.

(1) ‘Yo Mama’ joke I never got to use in seventh grade, because I deemed it too cerebral: Yo mama so fat she’s like the Merchandise Mart. She got her own zip code.

(2) Yo mama so fat she’s like the Merchandise Mart on a Friday evening before July 4th weekend. She got her own zip code. And she could theoretically shelter hundreds of people at once. Depending on local fire code zoning laws.

(1) Yo mama so big she’s like passing a redistricting proposal through a Republican-dominated Senate. She might never even see the floor!

(2) Yo mama so fat that when she stepped on the scale, it said “135”. That may not sound like a lot, but yo mama so short she thought “Supersize Me” was a self-help manual. So it’s really more about body mass index.

(2) Yo mama so short that when they were giving out inches, she didn’t get enough inches. Bitch.

(2) My mama so mentally ill, that…wait, sorry. Didn’t mean to not talk about yo mama. She’s special too, yo mama. I’ll try to focus more on her for next insult.

(1) Yo mama’s Type 2 diabetes so advanced, it’s like that Chinese kid who skipped a grade. The fifth-graders ate him alive!

(2) Yo mama has only one arm.

(1) Yo mama’s so corny, she’s like my poo. All brown and clumpy and always smells like Ragu. I wipe yo mama off my ass with toilet paper, Motherfucker! Wait. Calm down. Okay. I went too far. Maybe I went to far…

(2) Yo mama get around so much, she call a home run “fourth base”.

(1) Yo mama is like ‘Seinfeld’ in bed: It starts off slow, maybe you just don’t get it yet but you give it a chance, and then it gets really good for a long time, and then it just gets crazy. Like bad crazy. Larry David never should’ve left the show, yo.

(2) I don’t understand why he always dresses like a schoolboy.

(1) He’s immature. He’s stunted but he’s super intelligent.

(2) Sounds like everyone I’ve been in love with.

If you guessed, “Listening to ‘Learning to fly’ by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers while reading over an old psychological evaluation performed in Iowa in 1999,” you’d be correct.

Just discovered I can headbang to Nirvana and type at the same time. In fact I’m doing it right zlbf.

I am having a hard time convincing someone the “Ground Round” is the name of a Civil War battle site.

My shoulder angel tells me I shouldn’t have another beer, and my shoulder devil won’t stop having sexual intercourse with my ears.